I'm Breaking My Silence

I don’t usually talk about politics publicly, but the pro-life conversation is a personal one for me. I’m not just another person who says abortion is wrong. I KNOW it’s wrong. I speak from experience.


Almost 17 years ago, I got rid of “it”.

I believed ALL the lies.

It’s a clump of cells.

It will stop you from your dreams.

You can’t be a single mom.

This is MY choice.

You name it, in my fear, I believed the enemy’s lies.


And here’s the thing...

I knew it was wrong.

I knew “it” was a girl.

I saw her heartbeat.

All I ever wanted to be was a mom.

I did it anyway.

I knew it was murder.

I was so caught up in my mess, I did it anyway.


I knew it was wrong so much that I was convinced I was going to hell.

How could God forgive me?

I killed my child.


So, this is personal.


Here’s where I stand, all these years later.

I mourn... my ignorance, her life, our life together. But God is healing me and restoring me. I know that my daughter is waiting without judgement in heaven for me. She was/is real.

Her life matters.

I wonder what she would have been like.

I wonder at how amazing of a big sister she would be to my girls.

I mourn for her life.

Because that’s what it was. It was HER life. It wasn’t my choice to make. That’s not my call. I’m not God.


So, a few things:

  1. God forgives. Yes, even this. He forgives and if you need to talk about your abortion, send me a message. I am here to listen and point you towards healing.

  2. It takes a miracle to make a baby, which means that baby was intricately woven and planned by our Father. Scripture is clear. There is no such thing as unplanned.

  3. There are resources out there for you. There are clinics that support women fully through pregnancy (I work with one and will direct you to their services if you are in need). There are organizations that ask no questions, just help you save your baby’s life and find a home for him/her.

  4. Pro-life for me is being there when a woman finds out she’s pregnant and sharing the Gospel and with it, hope. It’s being there for single, struggling mothers. It’s fostering children. It’s all encompassing. It should be.

  5. This bears repeating. Only God could forgive a sinner like me... and He does. He remembers our sins no more when we come to Him in repentance. There is enough grace for you. For all of us.


Emily Joy would have turned 16 this year. My life is less because she’s not in it.


Note: I finally decided to speak because I’m seeing how God wants to use Emily’s life for good. If I can save one baby because I shared the story of my abortion, it’s Him working her life for good. If I can help a friend who had an abortion (they say 1/4 to 1/3 of us have) then I want to help her not hate herself as I have hated myself for decades. And for the one who thinks she’s past saving... that there’s no hope for her... well, friend, there’s Jesus and He will never reject you. He is your hope. His eyes are filled with compassion for you and His arms are open to hold you as you weep. He loves you. He died for you. Yes, even knowing what you would do, He said you were worth it. YOU are still loved. You are still His child. You are safe with Jesus.


Natalie Eskew - CTC Influencer




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